


Valentine's Disaster

by kurisuo



Series: sakuharem [1]
Category: Joker Game (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harem, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK IF IT'S AUGUST, M/M, SAKUHAREM, Sakuma is dense, Y'ALL ARE GETTING THIS VALENTINE'S FIC TODAY, Yoru is mona but not annnoying hehe, alain has a crush, alain lernier aka the homie/the best friend/the bro, all these crushes are one sided because sakuma is stoopid, based on Persona 5's "Valentine's Day", but I love him anyway, specifically the one where you ignore all the girls and spend the day with ryuji instead, stop reading this please just scroll past i am BEGGING, the d agency are the phantom thieves but that's unimportant, the spies are all in love with sakuma, this is a flop but it's MY flop and i'll own this shit like the failure it is, this is kinda bad i'm sorry, yuuki is tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25988011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurisuo/pseuds/kurisuo
Summary: Fuck Valentine’s Day, all my homies hate Valentine’s Day.
Relationships: Sakuma & Alain Lernier, Sakuma/Alain Lernier, Sakuma/Everyone
Series: sakuharem [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886176
Kudos: 5





	Valentine's Disaster

Sakuma sat cross-legged on his bed, trying to scroll through his social media in peace. But he was getting spammed by his D-Agency members, as well as the other boys he befriended this year. _Ding, ding, ding._ After the 30th ding, he muted his phone and placed it on the nightstand. He exhaled deeply.

His cat, Yoru, watched him curiously _._ “You’re not going to answer any of them?”

Sakuma petted the cat affectionately and shook his head. “I have a full-shift tomorrow, I’m afraid. I want to get some sleep. Besides, I’m sure it’s nothing important.”

“But tomorrow is- never mind. You wouldn’t care. Get that sleep, you nerd.” Yoru started making himself comfortable on Sakuma’s lap, and the young man repositioned himself so that they'd both be able to lie down comfortably. 

_Tomorrow will be just another peaceful day. After all that saving-the-world bullshit, it’s nice to finally live a normal life... not counting my probation of course._ Sakuma smiled and fell asleep with nothing but good thoughts in his mind.

* * *

One of Sakuma’s favorite things about working with Yuuki at the Joker Game café was the quiet, peaceful atmosphere, since the café didn’t have many customers usually. But for some reason, today had been chaotic, with so many couples deciding that they wanted to go on dates here. He wasn’t sure what the occasion was, but it certainly had him scrambling to make orders as fast as he could to meet the sudden demand. At least the tip jar was overflowing with cash, so Sakuma supposed it wasn’t all bad. 

He and Yuuki cleaned the café as jazz music played from the speakers. 

“I’m not sure if I love or hate Valentine’s Day,” Yuuki remarked. “Sure, it’s great for business, but there’s only so much PDA I can tolerate in my shop.”

“Oh! That was today?”

Yuuki reached over to ruffle Sakuma’s hair. “Yes, idiot. I take it you don’t have any special plans for today, then?”

“Not really.”

“That’s a shame. I was expecting for you to ask to have today off, too. You’ve been here for almost a year, after all. Surely you would have met someone by now.”

Sakuma didn’t know how to respond to that.

A bell jingled, indicating that the door was open. “I’m sorry but we’re closed-”

“Hey! It’s me!” A young man grinned as he removed his hoodie.

“Alain!” Sakuma waved at him eagerly. 

“I take it you’re alone today, too?” Yuuki asked the newcomer, Alain Lernier.

“ _Oui_ ,” he sighed. “I am from the country of love, but alas, I'm all alone on _the_ most romantic holiday.”

“Come on in,” Yuuki chuckled. “Anything you want is on the house tonight.” He removed his apron and turned to Sakuma. “Take over the counter for me. I need a smoke.”

“Sure,” Sakuma grumbled. 

Yuuki walked past Alain and winked at him. “You’re welcome,” he whispered as he stepped out, Yoru at his heels.

Alain blushed profusely, and he was lucky Sakuma was too absorbed in his cleaning to notice. “I slept in all day, so I didn’t have to suffer from seeing all these couples,” he laughed awkwardly. “I figured I could at least hang out here for the evening.” 

“Sounds good.” Sakuma put his supplies and started preparing Alain’s favorite drink, a simple hot chocolate, making sure to add extra drizzle just the way his friend liked it. Alain watched him with a dreamy look in his eyes, thankful that once again, Sakuma wouldn’t notice because of his work ethic.

They chatted for a bit as Alain sipped his beverage and Sakuma cleaned the bar.

“Oh yeah! Remember how I kept telling you that French chocolate is by the far the best in the world? I made some today for the occasion!”

“But aren’t you single?”

“Yes don’t remind me,” Alain muttered. He reached into his coat and pulled out a gold box tied with a pretty red ribbon. “But here, we can share. I promise you’ll love it!” Alain opened it and held it out for Sakuma to try one.

“Is this a confession?” Sakuma smirked as he reached into the box. He popped a small truffle into his mouth and moaned in delight. “Alain, this is amazing! Did you really make these yourself?”

Alain’s cheeks burned at the sound of Sakuma moaning because of him (or rather, because of his chocolate, but to Alain it was pretty much the same thing.) “Yes I did! Wait, a confession? N-no that’s not- I mean, yes! No! No! _Je veux dire_ -” He scrambled for a decent response, and he was saved from Sakuma’s questioning by the sound of the café door opening abruptly. 

Yuuki walked in looking more annoyed than usual. “Hey, Sakuma. Did you invite all your friends over just now?”

“What? Of course not. Why?”

Yuuki was about to answer, but he was interrupted by someone new.

“There you are!” a teenager’s voice yelled out.

Alain peeked at the entrance and saw a large group of young men come in. He snatched the box of chocolates away from Sakuma and hid under the table. _Putain! Of all times, why did those guys have to come now?_

Sakuma choked on his unfinished truffle as the D-Agency members, as well as some of his other friends, stormed into the café. Dread pooled in his stomach. The nine men were all glaring at him, their expressions ranging from heavy disappointment to sheer outrage. 

“Why have you been ignoring my messages, Sakuma!” Gamo Jirou, the local celebrity chess player, had murder written all over his face.

“And mine?” The student council president, Fukumoto, held a box of chocolate in one hand and had the other on his hip, just like a terrifying mom.

“You could have at least been honest and told me you had no interest in me, Sakuma-san,” Jitsui snapped. The coldness in his voice sent ripples of fear down Sakuma’s spine, and he prayed his sadistic upperclassman would show him some mercy for whatever it is he had done.

“I only wanted to show you this new love song I wrote, but looks like I’ll have to make it a heartbreak song, instead,” Kaminaga scowled, holding his trademark electric guitar like a weapon. 

“The lights were on but Yuuki-san seemed to have been gone for a good while. Who were you with?” D-Agency’s website admin, Odagiri, sounded calm as he spoke, but there was a fury burning in his eyes.

“I can’t believe you had someone else in here while Dad was out! You shameless bastard!” Yuuki’s adoptive son, Hatano, shrieked and stomped his foot. It took all of Sakuma’s willpower not to smirk at the adorable display of anger. (He values his genitals too much to risk it.)

“I convinced the faculty to let me leave early so I could buy you these,” the student teacher, Amari, held up a box of chocolates, ”but lo and behold you were already with someone else...”

“Can’t believe I came all this way to see your sorry ass! I ditched a photoshoot for this, you know!” Miyoshi pouted angrily.

““The pigeons tell me you’ve been cheating on me,” Tazaki, a street magician, whispered sadly. 

“ _Cheating?_ But Tazaki-san, we’re not even dating!” 

“That’s right, pigeon boy. He’s dating _me_ ,” Hatano stomped his foot again.

Tazaki frowned, and the pigeons on his shoulders shifted uneasily. “No, he’s dating _me_.” 

“No way! He’s _my_ boyfriend!” Amari snapped.

“What are you guys talking about? I’m the one Sakuma likes!” Fukumoto’s hands shook as he struggled not to crush his chocolate box out of rage.

“You’re all wrong! He’s mine!” Gamo clenched his fists, eyeing the others warily.

“Back off you peasants! Sakuma belongs to me and me alone!” Jitsui growled at all of them.

“Shut it pipsqueak! He is _mine_!” Kaminaga waved his guitar, and his face told the others he would not hesitate to swing.

“No, no, and no. Sakuma-san is my boyfriend, okay?” Miyoshi smirked as he cracked his knuckles.

“Guys stop!” Odagiri cried out. He turned to Sakuma and glared. “Have you been toying with all of us at the same time?” 

“Wait what?’ Sakuma was beyond confused at his point. 

The other boys’ eyes widened in realization. 

“Oh my god. You really-” Jitsui shook his head in disbelief.

“You lying son of a bitch!” Hatano snarled.

“This is unforgivable…” Fukumoto’s box was starting to crease from the boy’s internal struggle to not resort to violence.

“Sakuma-kun, I’m so disappointed,” Amari turned away, but Sakuma didn’t miss the tears gathering at the corners of the older man’s eyes

“How dare you play with my heart like this, Sakuma-san,” Miyoshi sighed dejectedly.

“You’re so wrong for this…” Odagiri crossed his arms and frowned.

“A fool! You made me look like a damn fool!” Gamo’s face burned from the humiliation.

“I really thought we had something! Why?” Tazaki felt his heart breaking into a million little pieces.

“You’re the worst, Sakuma!” Kaminaga’s guitar strings broke off from how hard he was gripping the handle, pissing him off even more. 

_Shit! This is bad…_ “Um… H-hey look what’s that over there?” Sakuma pointed behind them, and as though they were one collective unit, all nine turned around at the same time. 

Alain took advantage of their distraction to bolt out of the desk and up the stairs towards the refuge of Sakuma’s attic/bedroom. Yuuki scooped Yoru up and followed. “Good luck, Sakuma!” the boss called out as he ditched him. “You’ll need it!”

“Yuuki you son of a- “Sakuma shook his head. His plan had been to do some light parkour over the counter and run out the door, but Yuuki had ruined it. Now, he needs to think carefully before he makes this situation even worse. But there was really nothing he could do that could calm them down. His heart dropped when they all turned back around, their faces even angrier, which Sakuma wasn’t sure had been possible.

“Well? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?” Amari raised an unamused eyebrow, and Sakuma couldn’t help but think that he looked so much like a real teacher right now. A strict one, but real nonetheless.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and whined. All he wanted was to finish his probation quietly, but these Tokyo boys weren’t letting him breathe! “Listen, I honestly had no idea I was… r-romantically involved w-with any of you!”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Kaminaga exclaimed.

“What kind of a lie is that?” Odagiri was so done with this whole situation.

“I wasn’t born yesterday, Sakuma-kun.” Amari rolled his eyes.

“Did you really think I was going to buy that?” Fukumoto was unimpressed by such a blatant lie.

“Unbelievable!” was all Jitsui could say.

“You have some nerve…” Tazaki mumbled.

“I’m serious! P-please believe me…” Sakuma could feel his arms getting clammy and he wanted to run away, but he was frozen in place.

“You dick!” It took all of Hatano’s effort to resist from punching him.

“Do you think I’m stupid or something?” Gamo felt like he’d been played, and it was so much worse than losing a match.

“Sakuma-san, you’re the worst!” Miyoshi shot him a dirty look.

* * *

Upstairs, Yuuki and Alain facepalmed.

“ _Mon dieu! Il est vraiment bouché_!” Alain groaned. 

“He’s a good kid, but dear God he’s so dense.” Yuuki shook his head in disapproval. He turned to Alain and asked, “What do you all see in him?”

The French youth shrugged helplessly. 

* * *

“Ok you know what? Here!” Miyoshi shoved a box of chocolates into Sakuma’s arms and stormed out of the café. “Sleep with one-eye open, Sakuma-san,” he called out in a sickenly sweet voice.

“Take it!” Fukumoto grabbed Sakuma’s free hand and placed his own box before following Miyoshi.

Jitsui bowed and held a chocolate box out to him. “Take my chocolate please… Before I crush it. Or you…”

“Um…” Sakuma took it, his arms shaking and trembling. The other boys all took this as a cue to throw their own boxes at our protagonist, and the sudden new weight had him falling back.

“Seriously… I can’t believe he’s such a heartbreaker!” Tazaki petted one of his pigeons to try to calm down.

“What a waste of my time!” Odagiri gave Sakuma a withering stare.

“I am so writing a diss track about him!” Kaminaga backed out of the café, keeping his glare at Sakuma steady until he was out the door.

“I’ll get you for this, Sakuma!” Gamo flipped him off and ran out, shoving past the others.

“Fuck you and your eyebrows, you cheating jerk!” Hatano screamed as he slammed the café’s door.

“Enjoy your stupid chocolates!” Amari shoved his hands in his pockets and marched out.

Sakuma could not have been more relieved once they were all finally gone. _That sure went well_ , he scoffed. He shook off all the boxes, but out of guilt he started picking them up and placing them on the table for later. 

“Christ, you look awful,” Yuuki remarked as he descended from the attic. 

“Wow that’s a lot of chocolate!” Alain bit back a laugh. He didn’t want to seem rude, especially after what Sakuma just experienced.

“Here, kid,” Yuuki placed a small chocolate treat on the table with the boxes. “Happy Valentine’s Day.” With that, Yuuki walked out of the café, going for an even longer smoke break than the one from earlier. The old man really needed it.

“You’re quite a heartbreaker, _mon ami_ ,” Alain chuckled. He had feelings for Sakuma, too, but for some reason, he wasn’t in pain at all. Sure, hearing all those accusations of lying and infidelity was certainly shocking, but he was glad they were all false. “You are truly a one-of-a-kind idiot, you know that? Never change, Sakuma.” He punched him in the arm playfully and left. 

“So much for peace and quiet...” 

Yoru rubbed against Sakuma’s leg, and Sakuma picked the cat up to pet him. “At least you’re alive.”

“Yeah, small blessing,” Sakuma snorted. He spent the next couple hours finishing cleaning-up the café, and he had to do it by himself since Yuuki never came back that night. Guess I’ll be the one locking up. 

He gathered all the boxes and took them upstairs. He figured he may as well eat them, both as a courtesy to his admirers, and because he just really loved chocolate. 

I’ll talk things out with them tomorrow. As he was about to climb into bed, he stopped. Placed neatly on top of his pillows was Alain’s pretty box of delicious French chocolate. Sakuma smiled and added it to his stack. “Today was... _eventful_ , to say the least. Right, Yoru?” 

The cat rolled his eyes. “Let’s just go to sleep. After all that, I’m tired!”

“You’re not the one who had to be on the receiving end of it,” Sakuma grumbled. He lied down and whispered to himself, “I hate Valentine’s Day. I really do.”

* * *

In the end, he was able to salvage his friendships and reputation, with help from Yuuki’s silver tongue. It was the worst Valentine’s Day Sakuma has ever had to live through, but hey, he at least got lots of chocolate out of it. And if he ever got his shit together and played his cards right, then maybe he can get love out of this as well. Maybe...

**Author's Note:**

> Translations for the French:  
> Oui = yes (no shit)  
> Je veux dire = I mean  
> Mon dieu! Il est vraiment bouché! = My God! He’s really dense/stupid!  
> Mon ami = my friend
> 
> Yeah I have nothing to say for myself. Enjoy?


End file.
